Off The Bike

My neck issue is pushing me off the bike for a while.  I’m tired of fighting the pain.  I see a neurosurgeon in two weeks.  Then it’ll be time for more decisions.  In the meantime I’m staying off the bike.  Even the recumbent hurts me on bad days.

My eating habits are only slightly better than before.  I have purchased a new hot-air popcorn popper.  I used it tonight.  Plain popcorn used to be a comfort food for me, but I had thrown away the old popper.  Now I can go back to this filling, low-calorie, snack that I used to enjoy.

In spite of the challenges, I’m in a good mood.  I’m not trying too hard to lose weight, just trying to prevent myself from gaining for a while.  Things are working well with Robin.  We’re now going out and doing something besides eating.  We saw a concert on Friday and a movie on Sunday.  We met with my daughter and her boyfriend on Saturday, but we did go out to eat then.

I feel more motivated to take care of housework and other related duties than I have in a while.

I probably won’t see Robin next weekend, but that will give me time to thoroughly clean house and catch up on other duties that need to be done.

I’ll take the bus to work most days now that I’m not riding my bike.  I’m considering walking a couple of days a week though, including tomorrow.  At least it’s still exercise and it doesn’t seem to hurt.

Wake Up?

It’s fitting that I’m writing a post titled “Wake Up?” at 3:00am somehow…  It is interesting laying in bed on a January night with the window open listening to a thunderstorm.  A few days ago temperatures were in the teens.  Tonight it’s 55F.

I didn’t ride the recumbent today (yesterday?).  This became important later.

I rode the Big Dummy.  I had my doctor appointment with my new family doctor.  I like my new doctor.  He’s nice, competent, and is honest.  He pointed out that my overeating and drinking are not only working against my weight loss effort (what weight loss effort?), but are adding to my depression.

So anyway, I met up with Tim again after work for our hour-long spin that we often do on Mondays.  As we rode more, my neck hurt worse.  It probably wouldn’t have been an issue on the ‘bent.  When we were nearing the end, I headed back on Payne St rather than following him back to his car on Mellwood Ave.  I wanted to cut the ride short.

I could have/should have went home.  Instead I stopped for food and beer.  I had my laptop with me so I made use of the free wi-fi and posted about my gastronomical disaster on BikeForums.

I went to bed after getting home.  I woke up in the middle of the night and looked at my post on BikeForums.  Apparently many people are supporting me and want me to continue the weight loss.  There’s a bit of “tough love” including from some strangers.  🙂

The BikeForums post, the discussion with Tim while riding, and my doctor’s advice are all ganging up on me.  It is time to make a change.  Sure I lost 100lbs in 2007-2008.  Since then I’ve either held steady or gained.  I’m up 30lbs from my lowest weight.  I don’t want to be The Fat Guy anymore.

The neck pain has mostly ended long rides, but I can change that by riding the recumbent.  I just have to push myself out there and I will ride.  I miss disappearing for a day with the bike and a camera.  I can still do it.

I’m not spending any large amounts of money on bike stuff for a bit.  Long-term, I don’t know what bike(s) I’ll be riding.  I have one bike that I can ride a lot now, even with my neck issue.  It really doesn’t need anything other than maybe better lights, but I’ll use what I have for now.  The last time I spent money on that bike (upgraded brakes) I barely rode it for months because my neck improved.  Not that I’m complaining

I need to make some major dietary changes, but I’m not writing out new rules here right now.  I’ve done that a few times recently and failed each time.  I’m going to make some changes now, but the changes are more minor and less strict.  I’ll figure out more later.  I will start riding more immediately also.

There’s also the issue of Robin.  We tend to go out to eat every day.  She wants to make changes too, so maybe it’s time.  Overall, I think she eats better than I do.  We’ll need to figure out social activities that don’t involve copious consumption of calories.

BUI

Blogging under the influence….

I just got back from Four Pegs, where I had food and too much beer.  I walked, so no drunk cycling involved.

I called a cab to get to work this morning.  My neck pain made riding a bike pretty much impossible.  A co-worker gave me a ride home.

Patrick noted in a text message to me that I’m probably going to have a weekend without much cycling.  He was referring to “Robin the Redhead”.  🙂  Although it’s probably true, it’s more to do with my neck pain.

I intend to ride the recumbent tomorrow.  We’ll see how that goes.  The pain was bad enough today that even that wouldn’t have worked well.  Even driving would have been problematic.

Unless my neck settles down, 2012 will be the year of neck surgery.  I’m not looking forward to such things, but if this is the alternative, I’ll take the surgery.

It’s strange, I’ve been slightly depressed all day, yet really looking forward to when Robin gets back in town tomorrow.  That won’t fix my neck issue, but will make me feel better anyway.

Whee! Holidays!

I had a four-day weekend for Christmas.  It was really a bit absurd.

Dummy on the road
Dummy on the road

Friday
On Friday I rode the Big Dummy over 50 miles.  I rode out to Prospect to look at a used laptop.  I didn’t buy it.  I then headed out to Bluegrass Bicycle in Crestwood to pick up my new wheels for the LHT.  I took some really hilly roads on the way there and back.  I made a day out of it and stopped for food in Crestwood and coffee in Prospect.

Both Sleepy Hollow Rd and Covered Bridge Rd were very nice.  US42 wasn’t.

Saturday

Saturday was Christmas Eve.  I met up with others (I think it was Tim, Patrick, and Asher, but my memory is shot) early in the morning.  After riding around town for a while, I went to OYLC and hung out until noon, then went home.

Christmas
I didn’t leave home on Christmas.  I had a splitting headache most of the day.  I hoped my daughter would drop by but she never did.  I talked to friends and family on the phone.  I worked on my LHT, installing the new wheels and brakes.  I moved the bar-end shifters to the downtube, and re-cabled everything.

Monday
I still wasn’t feeling well, but I rode the updated LHT for a quick coffee ride with Tim.  I immediately hated the downtube shifting.  I’ll be switching back to bar-ends soon.  Sooner is better than later, as that’s the only bike the studded tires will fit, and I don’t think I’ll get much more good weather.

My neck and shoulder issue also flared up on Monday as has been getting worse ever since.

Since then…
I was back at work yesterday.  I rode the Big Dummy so I could haul dog food after work.  I rode the single-speed today and my neck was at it’s worst this morning.  It hurt bad enough that I got off the bike and walked about a mile.  This afternoon was better.  I’m hoping it’s easing up again.  I’ll know more in the morning.

Today was also the Car-Free Happy Hour.  We had a good turnout at Irish Rover on Frankfort Ave.  I think the 25 or so of us that showed up overwhelmed them a bit.  Although it obviously stressed out the server, she handled it well.

Holiday Season?
This is  generally a stressful time of year for everyone.  I was lonely on Christmas.  It was probably best that I was alone with the horrid headache I had.  Thanksgiving was better.  Patrick had invited me over, and I got to know his family.  I’m now invited to Andy’s house for New Year’s Day brunch.  I’m glad I have a few friends in the area.

Relationships Are Hard – I’ll Just Ride My Bike

Relationships Are Hard – I’ll Just Ride My Bike.  I’ve said that too much recently, but it’s true.

My divorce is final as of Monday.  I found out yesterday, and got the paperwork today.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what could be done differently.  I’m done thinking about it now.  It feels like self-flagellation, and I don’t want to do that anymore.

When I talk to people about it they seem torn between saying “I’m sorry” and “Congratulations!”.  It’s kind of funny.  In reality it’s just closure and that’s a good thing.

Bikes, Beer, Blahs, and the Weekend

I have to keep reminding myself of my unhealthy relationship with food.  I haven’t been great about my new rules.

On Friday, some co-workers were getting together to go out for food and beer.  I was invited, and social occasions are allowed per my self-imposed rules.  The fact I had an overly-large lunch earlier wasn’t good, but whatever.

I had a beer called “Morning Wood”, and I even shared my “Morning Wood”.  I made a (probably annoying) comment about the bike rack being free when others were complaining about parking meters.

I slept in Saturday.  I went out for a ride with Tim.  I got about 23 miles in.  I ate leftover split-pea soup.  I hadn’t gone grocery shopping.  I really wanted to go out for food and beer.  I successfully suppressed those urges.

I got up early today, Sunday, to meet Tim, Patrick, and Asher for a ride today.  I left before sunrise in the cold air.  It was a good ride, mostly urban.  Nothing epic, just four guys riding around.  I did have some snacks at coffee shops, but nothing extreme.  I ended the day with over 46 miles.

Again, later in the day I was really wanting to go out for food and beer.  I still haven’t gone grocery shopping.  I’m cooking a simple peas and rice dish that I actually have the stuff to make.  I’m not going back out, because if I do, I’ll find myself gorged on food and sloshing full of beer.

I’m slightly depressed because I know I shouldn’t go out to eat and drink.  Adding to that is the fact that I don’t like the way I feel about it.  I didn’t have this much trouble controlling my eating and drinking three and four years ago.  Why now?

I am killing time and forgetting about food for a while by burying myself in reading.  I’m currently reading Spin, which I highly recommend, at least if you’re into science fiction.

 

Indecision and GAS

Tim talks about GAS and I understand.  GAS, or Gear Acquisition Syndrome can lead to spending more time and money equipping the bikes than riding them.  That’s not acceptable.

I have three bikes I’d like to add to my stable.  A road/brevet bike.  A dedicated gravel bike, and a mountain bike.

In addition to that, I have a wishlist of stuff for my existing bikes.  My LHT needs some work.  I want to swap out most of the drivetrain.  I want different brakes.  I want different front and rear racks, new wheels, lighting.  Ugh.  This gets expensive very quickly.

I’m trying to prioritize what to do first.  I already have a new front derailleur on order for the LHT, but that’s a repair.  I could have new wheels built for that bike, using the existing hubs, and that would be a repair also, as the brake tracks are very worn on the rims.  I don’t want to use the existing front hub though.  I want a dyno-hub for powering a new lighting system.  Although I already had a dyno-wheel built for that bike, I ended up using it on the single-speed.

My next big purchase was going to be a frameset for the road/brevet bike, but now I’m reconsidering that.  I’m thinking I need to put the money into the LHT to get it ready to be a do-almost-anything bike.  Some of what I’d do is repairs.  Some of it is upgrades.

I spent several hours looking at bike stuff online today.  I could have done something useful in that time, but I didn’t.

I’m going to go do some housework now.  Something useful.

Escaping Reality

I have a bad habit of escaping reality through non-productive, or even destructive, means.  Sometimes it’s just wasting time surfing the internet.  Sometimes it’s food and/or alcohol.

I’m having a rough week.  I met with a lawyer on Tuesday to get the divorce started.  Papers were completed today and I stopped in to sign them.  I know I don’t like the way this whole ordeal has made me feel.  From what little Kristy has said, she’s feeling much the same way.

I wasn’t in the mood to cook after I got home today, but I wasn’t going to go out either.  I decided to read another book.  I burned through an entire novel, albeit an easy-reading one, in about three hours.  Once done, I revisited the dinner situation.

I had leftover spaghetti that I cooked yesterday.  I’ve been out of beer, and I’m not going out for more.  That’s probably a good thing.

I have several ride options for tomorrow, but I’m not sure I want to ride tomorrow.  I have a gravel ride with Patrick and Tim on Sunday.  I could stand to do some housework and yardwork tomorrow.  On the other hand, Timothy is putting on another LBC populaire tomorrow.

Maybe I’ll get up at 6:00am, eat a good breakfast, and decide what to do from there.

I’m going to go escape reality in my favorite fashion.  I’m going to sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving 2011

I’m thankful that I’m healthy enough to keep riding my bike.

I’m thankful I have friends to join for Thanksgiving dinner.

I’m thankful I have friends that like to ride bikes in all kinds of crazy adventures.

I’m thankful for my job where I earn a decent living.

I’m thankful for my dynohub and headlight lighting my on the fast descent down Wolf Pen Branch Rd on the way home from Patrick’s house tonight.  🙂

I met up with Tim and Timothy this morning for a pre-Thanksgiving ride.  It was a slow pace, and we cut the ride a bit short.  Tim and I stopped at three different coffee shops though.  That ride was 27.7 miles.

I rode out to Patrick’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.  I appreciate having company and it was a pleasure meeting Patrick’s family.  The “bit o’ bourbon” was nice too.  I took the long way home in the dark.  Round-trip mileage was 28.5 miles.

Total mileage for the day was 56.2.  I’m sure I ate more calories than I burned, but I don’t feel like a total glutton.

Four Years?

Time flies.  I started this blog four years ago today.  November 11, 2007 was when I started documenting my weight loss effort.  I had actually started the effort in late October but took a little longer to get the blog moving.

What a strange trip it’s been.

It’s time for me to reflect where I’ve been and where I need to go.  I’ve gotten too used to “instant gratification” in everything.  I feel I “deserve” things that in the long-term are bad for me.  So I’ve gained weight.

This is more than eat less/ride more.  This is my relationship with food.

Looking back on old posts to write this has been illuminating and given me new incentive to work at this again.  The wedding pictures especially.  I was about 20lbs lighter then than I am now, and I looked quite a bit better.

So, I’m going to work harder and see where I am in another year.  I hope some of you hang out and enjoy the ride with me.

No Camping

Tim & Michael both came down sick, ending the plans for the Red River Gorge camping trip.  Although I am disappointed by this, I’m also slightly relieved.  I’ve been quite stressed and busy recently.  Final preparations for the trip would have been further stress.

Sometime in the next few months I’m going to create a camping pack that will contain everything I need for an impromptu camping trip.  Next time an opportunity pops up, whether a car-camping trip like this one, or a last-minute S24O, I’ll be prepared.

Sunday Musings

I had a good ride with Tim this morning.  We met at Sunergos for coffee.  He had planned a road ride heading out of town, but he had a mechanical issue with the bike early in the ride.  We rode back to his house to get another bike.  This shortened his available time, so we stuck to another day of just riding around (JRA).

We really had no goal.  I wasn’t feeling strong (hell, my legs still hurt) so we didn’t ride fast.  I brought my camera along for the ride, but never even got it out.

After he went home, I sat at Cumberland having food and beer.  I ended the day at about 43 miles.

Once home, I did yard work and housework.  I really need to go grocery shopping again, but I hate grocery shopping and I’m constantly putting it off to the last minute.  I’ll do it another day.

I realized today how lazy I’ve become recently.  I’m having trouble doing the things that need to be done.  My house is a mess.  I’m letting things fall behind.  I’m not even eating properly, and I’m gaining weight again.

I’m not drinking enough water.  I did drink out of my water bottle during the ride, but then I was drinking beer before heading home.  We’ve all made jokes about hydrating with beer, but beer is lousy for hydration.  I spent a good part of the day after getting home being dehydrated and feeling sick.  I drank a huge glass of water which helped.  I’m now drinking a huge mug of herbal tea.

Yep, I’m in a mental funk.  Even when I’m not, I’m lazy and eat poorly.  I’m not sure how I got this way over the last few years.  I’ve made drastic lifestyle changes before.  I think it’s time to do it again.

Lazy Sunday

I had vague plans for a good long ride today.  After entirely too much beer last night, I slept in and didn’t wake up until Tim called me asking about a slower-paced around-town coffee ride.

I rode the Big Dummy and met Tim at Highland Coffee.  We enjoyed snacks and coffee before heading downtown then out River Rd.

We turned off and unto the Butchertown Greenway.  This was a peaceful stretch until on a blind curve the path was covered with walnuts.  There was also a cyclist standing astride his bike talking on the phone.  We made it through with no issue and continued on.

After a few more city streets we were on the Beargrass Creek Trail.  I really like this trail, and the Big Dummy makes quite the racket rolling over the bridges there.

After getting through the Lexington Rd/Grinstead Dr intersection we went through Cherokee Park, then into some neighborhood streets.

Eventually Tim went home, and I still needed more coffee and a proper breakfast.  I went to Twig and Leaf for an omelette and coffee.  The Big Dummy got quite a bit of attention from a group of cyclists who were finishing up their breakfast.  I then headed for home.

The Big Dummy is not a fast bike, but I was lightly loaded for today’s trip.  I rode 18.9 miles in an urban area with some small hills.  There were many stops.  My average rolling speed was 11.8mph.  I’m sure with a light load and flat straight roads and no stops, my speed wouldn’t be much less than on the LHT.  I did exceed 32mph on a downhill on Eastern Parkway.

I’m feeling quite lazy today.  I need to do yard work, housework, and go grocery shopping.  I’m not sure how much of that will get done today.

Download

Productive = Happy?

I’ve had a very productive day.  12 hours worth of productive.

We had a server failure on Saturday.  I needed to get in early-ish today (Monday).  I woke up late and grumpy, so I drove to work.

Today was a whirlwind of activity.  I was there for over 12 hours.  I felt slightly stressed at times, but never overwhelmed (despite the problems we ran into).  I guess I’m a good problem solver but bad at time-management.  Time-management isn’t much of an issue during an emergency.

The problems are solved.  I stayed late to fix things.  I got home happy but hungry.

Despite “reminding myself” recently about weight loss and such, I went out for a burger and beer.  It was worthwhile.

Tomorrow, I’m back on the bike.  It’ll be a long day with a morning doctor appointment providing extra mileage.

I need to incorporate this productiveness into everyday.  Not only do I do better at work, I feel better about it later.

I’ve Got To Keep Reminding Myself

Monthly Average Weight
Monthly Average Weight

When I was having the most weight loss I was constantly reminding myself about my progress.  That was the point of this blog.

Since then, It’s turned into either talking about bike rides or complaining about depression.  Both of those affect my weight loss and will still be mentioned here, but I need to get back to basics and post my weight daily.  I just recently started weighing regularly again.

So there is now a Daily Weigh-In link under the pages section.  I’ll keep it as updated as possible.  It also has a link to a chart of my monthly progress that I’ll keep updated on a monthly basis.  I’m putting the chart here also, that is updated through September.

I’ve had some weight loss for the last two weeks.  I need to keep that going.

Back to Work

You remember that depression I was having?  It’s gone.  Depression?  What depression?

I think getting out of the hospital just made me so happy that I’m still overflowing with happiness… even though my vacation is over and I went back to work today.

I was beginning to get a bit worried about my digestive system again today.  There was pressure building up.  However, I’m happy to report that “everything has come out okay” this evening.  I do have a doctor appointment in a week to hopefully figure out what happened and how to avoid it.

I was sore today.  My legs hurt from the riding I did this weekend.  I didn’t do a lot of riding (80 or 90 miles over two days), but much of it was at a faster tempo than I’m used to and I was riding the single speed.

I had a massage after work, but I still have one muscle in particular that is bugging me.  Oh well.  It’ll loosen up.

I’m riding the LHT tomorrow.  I need to haul the trailer to pick up dog food.  I’ve done that with the single-speed, but it’s generally not a good idea.  There is no totally flat way to get home from Feeder’s Supply.

Living without a car takes more planning.  I’m prone to laziness and procrastination.  I’ll adjust.

I’m Baaack!

I was discharged from the hospital late yesterday afternoon.  I have some dietary restrictions, so I needed to go to the grocery store last night.

I’m eating a lot of soup and getting by.

I intended to get up early this morning to do dishes and cook more food.  I overslept, and only woke up when Tim sent me a text to let me know he was at Sunergos, which is quite near my house.

I quickly dressed and rode the single-speed there.  We enjoyed coffee and scones and headed to Vic’s Classsic Bikes, where the LBC has a Sunday morning ride.

There was a decent size group on the ride (25+?).  I felt strong and Tim and I were running with the faster pack, although this isn’t a fast ride, but it felt good not to drop off the back.

After some flattish miles at 18-19mph up River Rd we turned up Lime Kiln.  I’ve done this mild climb on the single-speed before, usually with a commuting load, so it wasn’t a big deal.  I stood on the pedals and actually started passing people.  That left me quite winded near the top, so I dropped back where Tim was in the pack.

We made our way to Glenview Ave then back to River Rd then turned south into Indian Hills.  I struggled a little on the climbs here, but caught back up with the group.

We continued on through St Matthews, Seneca Park, then Cherokee Park.  I pushed to the front of the pack somewhere along there, and I saw a cyclist ahead who I thought was in our group turn right at what I think was Alta Vista Rd.  I didn’t know the route, so I followed.  Then I saw our group go flying straight through the intersection.

I did a quick U-turn and dropped the front wheel off the pavement into the ditch.  I went over the bars and rolled off my back unto my butt in the grass.  It didn’t hurt other than a slight tweak to my wrist.

I jumped up and began the chase to catch up.  I also managed to tweak my right (rear) brake lever, but it was still functional.

I wasn’t able to catch the group and I wasn’t even sure I was going the right way.  I eventually saw Tim waiting for me.  He did say this was a “dont’ drop Dave day”.  I guess that’s fair, considering I just got out of the hospital.  🙂

Tim and I continued on along to Vic’s where the fast group was already loading their bikes up.  Vic, and the rest of them rolled up slightly after us.

Tim and I left and went for coffee and snacks at Breadworks.  While there we exchanged text messages with Patrick who was heading our way for a ride.  Tim needed to head home, so once Patrick arrived, He and I wandered westward, past the zoo, eventually heading north toward downtown.

Patrick and I kept a decent pace heading west from downtown into a headwind and into Shawnee Park.  At that point I was cooked, and we slowed down.

We refilled our water bottles at Shawnee and took the Riverwalk as far east as we could, up to the closed section behind the golf course, then took city streets back to Baxter Ave and to Vic’s as I needed to buy some supplies.

Vic was busy helping to bike tourists traveling for Oregon to Virginia, so Patrick and I went across the street for coffee at Quills… and another snack.

Patrick headed home, and I went back over to Vic’s.  I wanted to buy a T-handle allen wrench to fit my brake levers, but he didn’t have one.  I did buy new brake cables, housing, and doo-dads for the ends of each.  I also bought some new bar tape.  Vic is big into cloth bar tape, but I wanted the cork-like stuff.  I wanted a dull red, but he didn’t have red at all.  Patrick had suggested the blue earlier, but I didn’t like that idea with the red accents on the bike.

So, I’m a man.  I can handle it.  I bought (censored*) bar tape.  I’ll have pictures once I’ve completed the work.

I then rode to Keith’s Hardware, just a few blocks down the road and picked up the allen wrenches, then headed home.  I arrived home with 55 miles for the day.  I’m considering going out again today, but I have much to do including fixing my brakes and re-wrapping the bars with (censored*) tape.

I do have tomorrow off work still, as another vacation day, as I was originally going to Michigan this weekend.  I’ll get more riding in then too.

* You’ll have to wait for the pictures to know what color it is.

Drunken Post

I ate (and drank) what I shouldn’t have.  I’m not doing the house work that I should have.  I went down to Zeppelin Cafe and had a burger and a few beers.  It’s only a couple of blocks, I walked.

I was eavesdropping on an older couple on their first date from some online dating service.  It didn’t appear to be going well, but I got the impression they were going to spend the night together.  I walked home alone.  I wasn’t jealous of the guy, I would have ditched the woman.  🙂

So, I ate too much and spent too much.  Tomorrow is the car-free happy-hour, and I barely have enough money for that.

Better

After yesterday’s whining, I may have lost a reader or two, and that’s a fair percentage of my readers.  🙂

Things were better at work today.  My mood took a nosedive once I got home.  I had errands to run (in the truck) and my mood improved.  One of the errands was grocery shopping, and I bought ice cream and beer, so that always brightens my day, even if for the wrong reasons.

I’ve pretty much concluded that my planned century ride in Michigan this Sunday (Apple Cider Century) is not going to happen.  I’m registered and everything, but with money being tight, affording gas for the drive is doubtful, and a hotel room is out of the question.  I considered camping, but the weather will be cool with a chance of rain.  Not ideal for camping.  If I change my mind and go anyway, I’ll tough it out in a tent.

If I don’t go, I have a four-day weekend, so I’ll go on several long rides over my long weekend.

Eh, whatever.  I’m just glad yesterday is over with.

Depression, Loneliness, and Anger

The times I need someone the most are the same times that I would be unpleasant to be around.  Today is one of those times.  It’s strange to be lonely and know that any advice given to me would not only be ignored, but possibly ridiculed.  I’m angry, depressed, lonely, and looking for a target.  Stay away from me!

I don’t want to be alone.  I need to be alone.  Today, I’d be a irritant to anyone I try to talk to.  So, dear readers, today, that’s you.  Luckily, you have the option of walking away and I won’t even know since your on the other end of the ethernet cable – or wifi connection.

Over the last week I’ve been riding my bike, doing housework, working on bikes, reading books, browsing the web, and of course, working to try and feel useful.  Today, I’ve gotten to where I don’t feel like doing those things.  Sure, I rode my bike to work, did my IT stuff for eight hours, and have been cooking since getting home, but it wasn’t working to ease my mood.

I don’t feel useful – to myself or anyone else.  I’m sure things will get better.  I almost didn’t write this, but I felt it was one useful thing I could do today.

Is there a point to this post?  I’m not sure.  Maybe I’m just venting.  Hopefully I’ll sleep well tonight and be prepared for tomorrow.

It’s Saturday

I rolled out of bed around 8:00 this morning.  I cooked bacon and eggs and drank coffee.  That made for a good start for the day.

Around 10:30, Tim picked me up and we went to Waverly HIlls Park for some mountain bike riding.  I don’t own a mountain bike, so Tim loaned me one of his, a Redline Monocog.  It’s a single-speed mountain bike.  I’ve ridden it before.  We tooled around on the trails for about an hour.  One hour of mountain biking is a lot more exercise than one hour of road riding.

I had moved the dyno-powered lights from my LHT to the single-speed some time ago.  I had also bought new bar tape for the bike, but hadn’t gotten around to it yet.  So, I wrapped the bars.  This is my first time wrapping bars, and it shows.  It’ll work, but I’ll need more practice.

I used red electrical tape at the ends of the bar tape.  I didn’t do a very good job, but it’ll be fine comfort-wise.  It just doesn’t look good.

I did yard work, lubed the chains on the bikes.  I’ve got a little housework to do.  I’m fighting the urge to go out for dinner (which will mean drinking beer).

No matter what I do the rest of the day, I can call today a good day.

Tomorrow will begin with a 6:00am bike ride.  I’d better not stay up late.  🙂

Panicked

I left work early and rode my bike out to my doctor’s office as planned.  I was escorted back to have my vitals taken and sign some paperwork.  After the nurse leaves the room, I can hear them talking about the fact I rode my bike there.  One of the nurses goes on about how she used to ride across the Second Street Bridge.

I’ve done this before.  I know the doctor will come in and talk to me briefly before another nurse leads me to the treatment room.

He does.  I tell him this will probably be my last epidural – that I’m scared shitless of them now.

The nurse takes me to the treatment room.  I take off my shirt and put on the gown.  I lay down face-first on the treatment table.  The x-ray machine is put in place over my neck.  This is used to place the needle correctly in my spine.

My heart started racing.  I couldn’t breath.  I told them to stop.  They moved the x-ray machine and I got up.  They hadn’t gone as far as prepping my skin, but that was the next step.  I was done.  I just wanted out.

I apologized to the the doctor for leaving, but dressed and left.

On the ride home my mind was battling between shame and relief.

Danger!

Problems

I’ve been at risk of undoing much of the health improvements I’ve done over the last four years.  My eating habits are not only directly unhealthy, but not great for my mental health with the self-loathing I feel after a whole week of eating bad… week after week.

I’ve let myself get lazy and distracted.  I haven’t been keeping up on household chores.  I’ve basically been a mess.

I’m going to refocus.  I’m weighing myself again.  I haven’t started posting it again because the page is crazy with too much data.  I’ll find a better way to present it soon.  My weight this morning was 236.4lbs.  That’s higher than it’s been since October of 2008.

I need to stop going out to eat so much.  Going out for pizza or a burger and a beer three or four times a week is not only working against my goals, but is costing too much money.

Today, I cooked a pork chop on the grill and had celery sticks.   I have leftovers for lunch tomorrow.  It was a sensible size portion and I drank water with it.

More Goals

In December 2008 I listed a few secondary goals.  I just revisited that.

  • Learn to ride a unicycle (next year)
    I wisely gave up on this.
  • Be car-free (three years away)
    Strangely enough, I’m on track for this.
  • Either fix-up my house, or move (three years away)
    I moved more than a year ahead of the goal.
  • Meet a woman crazy enough to like my lifestyle (never?)
    I got married – we’re split up now – don’t want to say much more than that.
  • Ride a several hundred mile multi-day tour (next year?)
    Although late, I did this in March of this year.

Message From The Past

In January of 2009, I wrote something that I needed to read now.  Luckily, I do re-read my older blog entries occasionally.

I mention effort to save a life.  I was trying at the time to convince my audience that this is possible and necessary.  It turns out the audience is me in 2011.

Alright Then

If I fix my eating habits and focus more on productive activities, not only will I lose weight, but I should feel better about myself.  It’s not a cure for depression, but it means fewer bad days.

It’s strange that the things I crave when depressed (food & beer) are things that will eventually make me more depressed.  This is common.  What is it with the human psyche?

Anxiety?

I have depression issues.  I have most of my life and I deal with it.  Sometimes I spout off about it on this blog.  Other times I keep it to myself.

I’ve often heard of those who have anxiety issues along with depression.  That’s never been me.  Sometimes I get nervous, or scared, but I’ve never had an anxiety attack… until 30 minutes ago.

I’ve been depressed all day.  I’ve been unable to sleep tonight.  I was remembering that I have a massage appointment after work tomorrow.  Good!  Something to look forward to.  Then I remember I have an appointment on Wednesday to get another epidural.

I’ve already had two epidurals.  I was quite nervous about the first one, and I had a somewhat bad experience during the first epidural.  The relief I was received made it all worth it.  I wasn’t very nervous for the second one, and it went much smoother.

So, while laying in bed thinking about my upcoming epidural I got panicky.  My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe right.  I was re-living the sound and feel of the large needle sliding past my vertebrae.  I made up my mind that I can’t do it.  The realization that I can cancel the appointment is the only thing that calmed me.

Now I’m confused.  Why did I have an anxiety attack?  I’ve never had that problem before.  I’ll do some thinking during the day tomorrow.  I don’t really want to cancel the appointment.  I need the pain relief.  My neck is starting to hurt again and I have numbness down my arm.

I’m currently an emotional mess.  Today was the second anniversary of my second failed marriage.  I’m lonely, but know that I need to be alone.  I may never be able to have a live-in relationship.  Don’t worry.  I’m safe and I’m coping.  Writing about it helps sometimes.

Okay.  Back to bed I go.  I really need to sleep.

Blah and Bleh

I didn’t ride much over the weekend, just rode around town a little.  My eating habits are worse than they should be.

I’ve been in an emotional slump.  I tend to use food and beer as crutches.  That’s not good.  I’m slowly gaining weight.

I did spend a number of hours moving the dyno-wheel and lighting from the LHT to the single-speed.  It was a pain.  I know how to work on bikes, but I’m lousy at it.  I struggle with simple things.  I get it done, it just takes way too long.

I’m home sick today.  I haven’t left the house, and have no intention of doing so.  I have groceries so I’ll eat, and I’ll actually eat healthy today.  I’ve spent hours laying in bed.  Some of that time I was sleeping, some of it reading.

My kitchen is still a whirlwind of bike parts and tools.  I need to pick up the mess before I can cook.  <sigh>  Maybe I’ll just go lay in bed instead.