I have depression issues. I have most of my life and I deal with it. Sometimes I spout off about it on this blog. Other times I keep it to myself.
I’ve often heard of those who have anxiety issues along with depression. That’s never been me. Sometimes I get nervous, or scared, but I’ve never had an anxiety attack… until 30 minutes ago.
I’ve been depressed all day. I’ve been unable to sleep tonight. I was remembering that I have a massage appointment after work tomorrow. Good! Something to look forward to. Then I remember I have an appointment on Wednesday to get another epidural.
I’ve already had two epidurals. I was quite nervous about the first one, and I had a somewhat bad experience during the first epidural. The relief I was received made it all worth it. I wasn’t very nervous for the second one, and it went much smoother.
So, while laying in bed thinking about my upcoming epidural I got panicky. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe right. I was re-living the sound and feel of the large needle sliding past my vertebrae. I made up my mind that I can’t do it. The realization that I can cancel the appointment is the only thing that calmed me.
Now I’m confused. Why did I have an anxiety attack? I’ve never had that problem before. I’ll do some thinking during the day tomorrow. I don’t really want to cancel the appointment. I need the pain relief. My neck is starting to hurt again and I have numbness down my arm.
I’m currently an emotional mess. Today was the second anniversary of my second failed marriage. I’m lonely, but know that I need to be alone. I may never be able to have a live-in relationship. Don’t worry. I’m safe and I’m coping. Writing about it helps sometimes.
Okay. Back to bed I go. I really need to sleep.