I have depression issues.  I have most of my life and I deal with it.  Sometimes I spout off about it on this blog.  Other times I keep it to myself.

I’ve often heard of those who have anxiety issues along with depression.  That’s never been me.  Sometimes I get nervous, or scared, but I’ve never had an anxiety attack… until 30 minutes ago.

I’ve been depressed all day.  I’ve been unable to sleep tonight.  I was remembering that I have a massage appointment after work tomorrow.  Good!  Something to look forward to.  Then I remember I have an appointment on Wednesday to get another epidural.

I’ve already had two epidurals.  I was quite nervous about the first one, and I had a somewhat bad experience during the first epidural.  The relief I was received made it all worth it.  I wasn’t very nervous for the second one, and it went much smoother.

So, while laying in bed thinking about my upcoming epidural I got panicky.  My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe right.  I was re-living the sound and feel of the large needle sliding past my vertebrae.  I made up my mind that I can’t do it.  The realization that I can cancel the appointment is the only thing that calmed me.

Now I’m confused.  Why did I have an anxiety attack?  I’ve never had that problem before.  I’ll do some thinking during the day tomorrow.  I don’t really want to cancel the appointment.  I need the pain relief.  My neck is starting to hurt again and I have numbness down my arm.

I’m currently an emotional mess.  Today was the second anniversary of my second failed marriage.  I’m lonely, but know that I need to be alone.  I may never be able to have a live-in relationship.  Don’t worry.  I’m safe and I’m coping.  Writing about it helps sometimes.

Okay.  Back to bed I go.  I really need to sleep.

4 thoughts on “Anxiety?”

  1. I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time, but frankly I’d be worried if you weren’t. At least you’re not bottling it up. I hope that you are able to work through this, and I’m sure you will. It seems like the epidural was worthwhile … you could always postpone it if you just don’t feel ready to go through with it.

    Take care of yourself. Go for a ride. I look forward to riding with you soon, Oct/Gravel Grovel both should be awesome!

  2. David, trust me I am no expert on anything and have had my share of crap in my life including a failed marriage so I know where you come from on that front, and it is one of the worst things in life. I think I read somewhere death divorce and moving house are the 3 most stressful things in life.
    When I split from my first wife I was pretty near the edge, someone told me to listen to a song and listen to the lyrics it kinda gives you a bit of hope and direction, sorry I cant’t seem to get a link on here to it but copy and paste it and you should get it on you tube

    If not its “Let your soul be your pilot” by sting

    Best of luck

  3. I’ve had a couple anxiety attacks in the past year. Agreed that they’re really strange b/c they come out of nowhere. I offer no solutions but I do offer empathy. You have to sit down, collect yourself, focus on good deep breathing (a la mediation) and remain calm. With all you have going on, stay focused on taking good care of yourself.

  4. Thanks to everyone for the kind words.

    After going to bed last night I was fine. I woke up groggy and without enough sleep this morning, but otherwise fine.

    I didn’t cancel the epidural, and I feel fine about that.

    It was a bizarre experience.

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