Dark Clouds

I’ve suffered with depression most of my life.  It comes and goes.  I learned some coping strategies years ago.  The coping strategies aren’t something I can explain.  There are no words for what I do.  I’m able to change the way I think.

That worked until this year.  I don’t know if the depression is deeper, or if I’ve forgotten how to cope, but I’ve had some bleak times.  The most recent has been this week.  Tuesday was bad.  Wednesday was incredibly bad, helped only by the fact I was sick and slept most of the day.  Thursday morning was bad.  I had trouble pushing myself out the door.

Once I got on the bike, rode to work, and had a fairly productive day things started to look up.  After work was the car-free happy hour.  After that fun little gathering I went home and quickly went to bed.

I woke up a 2:00am this morning, and have been up ever since.  I’m in a good mood, but I know the lack of sleep will get me later.

Depression causes a nasty downward spiral in me that leads to massive overeating at times.  I give up on goals.  It’s the last thing I need while trying to lose weight.  Success in weight loss can help keep my mood in check, but I had a long stretch of weight gain, and it’s just now tapered off.  I could still gain more.

I have a lot to do this weekend.  Laziness and depression will make it difficult.  I won’t be riding the bike this weekend so that I’ll have more time to get things done.  A sense of accomplishment is always helpful.

I’m probably genetically pre-disposed to depression.  I’m also looking into additional dietary supplements in case I have a deficiency.  I also have a painful medical condition right now that isn’t helping.  I’m still working with my doctor to diagnose and treat it.

6 thoughts on “Dark Clouds”

  1. Here’s my 2cents abt the black mood, “a lot to do” and biking. I say you get up, have your coffee and ride for 1 hr each morning. Nothing epic or even time-consuming. Take a 1hr “wake up” ride at a reasonable time and then hit the ground running. Do all your crap and keep yourself busy, and at the end of it, you will have accomplished your tasks, but you will also take that 1hr/day to take care of accomplishing yourself, so to speak.

    Know where you’re coming from. One hour, pedaling.

    And,yes, 2am is going to bite your in the ass. Should be entertaining.

  2. I understand a little of what you are talking about. In my case, Tim’s advise if fairly effective. I ride and push myself to keep doing, against how I feel. Oh yeah, and I did seek some medical assistance via supplements, and I’ve been notably better since. Here’s hoping you’ll push through it.

  3. Having also fought depression a fair bit over the years, I agree that it sucks a lot out of you. Each of us has to find our own way of dealing.

    Sometimes the bike ride is a reward for getting other stuff done. Sometimes, it’s as Tim puts it–a way to get yourself moving so that you are able to get stuff done. It’s often harder to tell which it needs to be for you at the moment.

    Either way, keep pushing back. You can do it.

  4. I have been feeling similarly. I haven’t ridden as much as I’d like, but a night ride did me some real good last night. I’m the same way, when I get depressed, I like to eat. I haven’t figured out a good way to combat this. Hadn’t thought about needing supplements … interesting thought.

  5. I know from where you are coming. Several years back my wife finally convinced me to talk to a doctor. I have been on an antidepressant ever since. I fought it and fought it, but when I caught myself yelling at my children for no good reason, I knew I had to try something.

    The medicine does not stop me from feeling, and in fact, right now I am feeling a bit down. But, it does keep it from becoming the kind of sleep-stealing, momentum-killing depression that I would feel before.

    I used to think it made me weak. Now I think I must be a damn strong person to deal with that and still manage to enjoy my life.

    Good luck.

  6. Thank you all for the thoughts. I had a tiring but productive day at work. I ate a healthy dinner here at home, now I’m going to bed. Ugh.

    I think I will do a quickie ride in the morning on the single-speed. No planning, no company, no deadline. Wake up, ride, come home, shower, get busy. Yep. Sounds good.

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